Unhappy

This past week I have been feeling really unhappy! And I do mean it! I know I never say this to anyone, not even my best friends or parents, but I do feel unhappy, I really cannot take it now, so I am gonna write it here. You can choose to stop reading here if you don't want to see me complain and complain, oh but do see the last two paragraph.

I know that I have been laughing and smiling in front of everyone this week. Everyone thinks I am satisfied and happy, oh and I do want people to think of me that way. But really, I am breaking down inside. I cannot help it, but at least I don't want to break down in front of people.

To see it as a whole, I does not enjoy my life this past week. It's not the matter of Chemistry EE, or about her. It's just that I feel very insecure about life. Insecure about things in the future. My daylight activities turn into a bad dreams, and even my sleep turns into nightmares (and I mean literally). I guess since I am a guy, I cannot really talk about this kind of thing to my best friends rite? That's why sometimes blog is very useful.

I guess it is not the matter of having friends or status or great CCA and academic. I feel that the past few months I am like looking for "apples" (read the poem The Apple Picking by Robert Frost). I guess, it is really true, the higher you climb, the harder the ladder will swing and the boughs bend, and yea, I do feel insecure. Insecure of losing what I have now, insecure of losing my best friends, my CCA, my achievements, etc.

I can feel the pressure inside, not only because of IB (school is only a part of it). I guess the problems that struck me lately also have an impact. I am scared and scarred. I feel like sitting on the ladder which I am climbing, the ladder of life.

I guess, I realize something. I feel void inside, the inside of me is crying to be filled. I guess, I have been far from God these past weeks. I have been very busy concentrating on other stuffs that I don't really think about Him. It is true, indeed very true that without Him, you are just a void container that looks alive, but dead in the inside. I am dead in the inside, feeling left out. I guess, the world cannot fix my situation right now, not friends, not family, not even achievements or money. The one thing that I need right now, is Him.

I just want to hear that still small voice saying, "Ivan, I still love you the same", and I do mean that. God has a distinct voice that none can express, and I dare to say that the world cannot give me that sense of security and pleasure as God does.